Ma Chao Answers Letters
by VelocityRaptor
Summary: Shu's "Horseman of Justice" has to answer every letter sent to him, sort of. From feuds over women to a certain chick that doesn't like him, what could go wrong with Ma Chao? Send your letters as any character via review or PM, whichever one you want.
1. Misunderstandings

**Ma Chao Answers Letters**

* * *

Zhuge Liang,

Yes, I fed the horses. Why do you keep forgetting that?

Ma Chao

* * *

Dear cousin,

No. Why would I sleep with someone who hates me A LOT?

Your Young Master

* * *

Wang Yi? (Well, crap.)

You would expect me to send you "I love you" letters? Seriously?! I'm not drunk right now!

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

I am not playing dumb! Someone's forging those letters!

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

Well, explain THIS! (attached was a letter that said "I love you" signed by Ma Chao)

Wang Yi

* * *

Wang Yi,

This is NOT my handwriting. This is too fancy. (Wait, too fancy?)

Ma Chao

* * *

Cousin,

Name all the Wei generals with fancy handwriting.

Your Young Master

* * *

Guo Jia,

YOU!

* * *

Guo Jia,

Don't "hi" me, you bastard! I know you were impersonating me in those "I love you" letters!

Ma Chao

* * *

Pang De,

Anyone you know who's in extreme need of anger management in Wei besides Wang Yi?

Ma Chao

* * *

Pang De,

That guy? Okay. If you say so.

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Zhao,

I would like it if you beat Guo Jia to a pulp.

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

I'll do that if we trade horses. I get one of your white ones.

Sima Zhao

Sima Zhao,

Okay, but I get your qilin.

Ma Chao

* * *

Pang De,

Why Guo Jia is heavily breathing in a pool of blood naked? I have no idea.

Ma Chao

* * *

DAMN IT SIMA ZHAO!

THIS IS A WOODEN HORSE! NOT AN ACTUAL QILIN!

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

No take backs! Give me one of your horses!

Sima Zhao


	2. Craziness

**Chapter 2**

* * *

Wang Yi, (writing is extremely curvy due to rage)

FOR THE LAST TIME, I DON'T LOVE YOU!

(forgot to sign, also due to rage)

* * *

Cousin,

What do you mean she didn't write that letter?! Explain THIS! (attached was the letter from "Wang Yi")

Your Young Master

Young Master,

This letter was written with a paintbrush and NOT a quill. Does Japan ring a bell to you?

Ma Dai

* * *

Cao Cao,

WALA AKONG PAKE (It's "I don't care" in Filipino)

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

When in the world did you start learning this language?!

Cao Cao

Cao Cao,

I've got my sources, pedophile.

Ma Chao

* * *

Hanbei Takenaka,

Hey there. Mind if I ask who wrote this?! (Attached is "Wang Yi"'s letter)

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

I have no idea. But I'd assume it's one of EVERYONE'S enemies.

Hanbei Takenaka

* * *

Hanbei Takenaka,

ARE YOU SAYING OROCHI'S BACK?!

* * *

Hanbei Takenaka,

Sorry. Just got paranoid. One last person.

* * *

Kyuubi,

HIDE IT ALL YOU WANT. I CAN TELL THAT YOU WERE THE ONE WHO FORGED THAT LETTER. WANT ME TO SEND YOU TO THE DEPHTS?!

* * *

Cao Pi,

You were one of the three who sealed away Kyuubi. Mind if you seal her back in again? (Or at least kill her?)

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

Ignore that letter. I was misled by Kyuubi.

Ma Chao

* * *

Cousin,

WHAT DO YOU MEAN A MASSIVE ARMY OF "ROMANS" ARE ATTACKING SHU?!

Your Young Master

Young Master,

I don't know?! I heard most of the generals of the land are captured. The rest formed resistance groups.

Ma Dai

* * *

Cousin,

Who do we have?

Young Master,

Sima Zhao, Pang De, and...Wang Yi.

Ma Dai

* * *

(Reaction to Ma Dai's letter)

Ma Chao: "Ugh. It's Orochi all over again."

* * *

Pang De,

Any ideas?

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

Uh...We only have Wang Yi and Ma Dai now. Sima Zhao charged in like a madman for reasons unknown.

Pang De

* * *

Wang Yi,

Don't kill me! Kill the Romans! Probably after that, you can kill me but NOT NOW!

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Zhao,

Why did you charge in?

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Zhao,

I have no idea what you just said.

Ma Chao

MA CHAO,

THOSE BASTARDS BROUGHT YUANJI AND RAPED HER IN FRONT OF ME! I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE WHO DO TAHT TO HER!

* * *

Sima Zhao,

Seems your anger has caused you to misspell a simple word (heheh)

Ma Chao

* * *

SZ: (Barges into Ma Chao's room, carrying a copy of Squall's gunblade) ARE YOU TRYING TO MOCK ME?!

MC: (Raises both hands up) What? No!

SZ:(Shoots Ma Chao repeatedly with bluish ice bullets)

MC: (Fell to the ground in pain)

* * *

Wang Yi,

Why do you sound like you actually care for me? (Did not see that coming)

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

I was hoping that I would be the one to kill you, NOT Lord Sima Zhao.

Wang Yi

* * *

Wang Yi,

Well, you've hated me for a long time. It's not the first time you said this. (These ice bullets are making me feel like an idiot)

Ma Chao


	3. More Craziness

**Chapter 3**

**I won't be continuing "Zhang Chunhua Answers Letters" (probably) since I think I just started a ship war (Cao Cao x Cai Wenji VS Yue Jin x Cai Wenji).**

**Don't blame me if it starts as you read the above sentence.**

* * *

Kyuubi,

YOU. ARE. ONE. PERSISTENT. A-HOLE! Heck no. We've got a lazy man turned cold blooded killer at our side.

And if you want someone to bribe into this kind of deal, go to Guo Jia!

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Zhao,

Uh...Okay. What's your problem this time?

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

I GOT DRUNK AND SLEPT WITH WANG YI AND SHE'S ASKING ME TO MARRY HER! I FLED TO JAPAN INSIDE UEDA CASTLE.

I BEG YOU, FIX THIS PROBLEM!

Sima Zhao

P.S. Father killed Yuanji by accident

* * *

Sima Zhao,

I'll get myself killed! Fine.

Ma Chao

* * *

Stressed lady that hates me to death (Wang Yi),

Why chase Sima Zhao when you can chase me?!

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Zhao,

I think she stopped.

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yuanji,

WHAT?! SIMA ZHAO TOLD ME SIMA YI KILLED YOU!

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

They sacrificed Zhong Hui's soul for me but I accidentally broke Father-in-law's manly area. Anyway, have you seen my husband?

Wang Yuanji

* * *

Wang Yuanji,

Hiding in Ueda Castle. He slept with Wang Yi after getting drunk.

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yuanji,

HE HAD AN EXCUSE!

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

Not marrying you. Totally not gonna happen.

Ma Chao

* * *

Cousin,

WHAT DO YOU MEAN SOMEONE IS POSTING INVITES TO MY AND WANG YI'S WEDDING?! FIND OUT WHO'S DOING THIS AND BRING THEM TO JUSTICE!

Your Young Master

Young Master,

I have no idea where the source is! It's either in Shu (unlikely), Wu (possible), Wei, Jin or anywhere in China or Japan!

Ma Dai

* * *

Guo Jia,

Not marrying Wang Yi.

* * *

Zhuge Liang,

Not marrying Wang Yi.

* * *

Sima Zhao,

Not marrying Wang Yi.

* * *

Zuo Ci, (I'm surprised he believed those)

Not marrying Wang Yi.

* * *

Cousin,

Get a copy and find out how it was written!

Your Young Master

Young Master,

It's not using a brush. More like a pen and it's SO fancy it makes Guo Jia's writing messy by comparison.

Ma Dai

* * *

(Reaction to Ma Dai's letter)

MC: If it's not Guo Jia then it's probably...

* * *

Zhang He,

YOU! YOU WERE THE ONE WHO KEPT FORGING THOSE FAKE WEDDING INVITES TO EVERYONE! GET OVER HERE SO I CAN KILL YOU!

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

Please face it. Sometimes love comes from elegant vendettas! Look at those two generals from Wu(Ling Tong and Gan Ning)! They created a very loyal friendship with each other!

* * *

Sima Zhao,

Can I borrow your gunblade?

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhang Chunhua, (I think I'm gonna die)

Why Zhang He is lying in a puddle of blood naked? It was me. (DANG IT! WHY DID PUT THIS IN?!)

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhang Chunhua,

Thank me? Why?

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

Zhang He is so annoying. He even violated my husband.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Zhang Chunhua,

Uh...You're welcome?

Ma Chao


	4. He's lucky and F-ed

**Chapter 4**

* * *

Kyuubi,

You can forget this ever happened.

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhao Yun,

Oh look. Two letters! One that says "I love you" and another that says "I need your spear and horse"! All from the same owner! Look who's getting stressed here! (Gee. Now I know how Wang Yi feels when I send her letters.)

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhao Yun,

Do me and probably everyone else a favor and STOP being gay!

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

I. AM. NOT. GAY!

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Zhao,

Not gay.

* * *

Pang De,

Not gay.

* * *

Han Dang,

Not gay. And who are you again?

* * *

(Ugh. F*** this.)

* * *

Sun Ce,

Can I join Wu? Zhao Yun is stressing the crap out of me.

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

Sure! Welcome to Wu!

Sun Ce

* * *

(Shu Officers POV)

Ma Chao,

How could you?!

Liu Bei

* * *

Young Master,

Wait for me!

Ma Dai

* * *

Ma Chao,

HOW COULD YOU LEAVE SHU?!

Guan Yu

* * *

Ma Chao,

WHY DID YOU LEAVE SHU?!

Jiang Wei

* * *

Ma Chao,

Joining Wu? Interesting enough. Give Zhou Yu my regards.

Zhuge Liang

* * *

(Wu officers POV)

Ma Chao,

Welcome to Wu!

Sun Jian

* * *

Ma Chao,

Welcome to Wu!

Sun Quan

* * *

Ma Chao,

Why did you leave Shu?

Zhou Yu

* * *

Ma Chao,

Thanks for joining. We finally have an equestrian on our side!

Lu Meng

* * *

Ma Chao,

Welcome to Wu! And sorry for that letter saying you're gay.

HAN DANG

* * *

(Normal POV)

Sun Jian,

Uh...Can my cousin, Ma Dai join?

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

Why of course!

Sun Jian

* * *

Zhao Yun,

ADIOS, GAY DRAGON OF SHU!

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhou Yu,

I left because people there called me gay because of Zhao Yun.

Ma Chao

* * *

Sun Quan,

Mind if I ask: WHY. DID. THE. TIGERS. EAT. BIRCH?!

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

Oh. Whoops. I told Ding Feng and Zhu Ran to lock them inside unless there's an emergency!

Sun Quan

* * *

Zhou Yu,

I'm not going back to Shu. Zhao Yun will keep sending me gay letters, not Wei because Wang Yi is going to kill me (even with Pang De around) and not Jin because they already have Wen Yang.

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

What in the world is this?! (Human Centipede 2 DVD) I guess I'll watch it then.

Ma Chao

* * *

A few hours later:

MC: (speechless)

* * *

Random Officer POV

Young Master,

Your room is covered in blood! Where are you?

Ma Dai

* * *

Ma Chao,

How's the movie? Did it scare ya to death?

Wang Yi

* * *

Ma Chao,

I promise I'll stop sending you love letters if you COME BACK TO SHU!

Zhao Yun

* * *

Ma Chao,

Where are you? I just disposed that movie and gave it back to Wei/Jin. You can COME BACK TO WU!

Sun Ce

* * *

MC (Ugh. I'm going back to Wu in case Zhao Yun's just going to trick me into trusting him.)

* * *

Wang Yi,

I will never watch movies that you sent to me ever again!

Ma Chao


	5. I am so lazy

**Chapter 5**

* * *

Kyuubi,

HELL. NO.

* * *

Liu Bei,

Did Zhao Yun send him love letters? Needless to say, I don't care.

Ma Chao

* * *

Sun Quan,

KYUUBI IS PLANNING TO LEAD THE ROMANS AGAINST US! ANY IDEAS?!

Ma Chao

* * *

Cousin,

Are you drunk? You're here with me in Wu. But if you're referring to Shu, it's because of Zhao Yun's damn love letters!

Your Young Master

* * *

Pang De,

DO YOU WANT WANG YI TO CHASE ME EVERYDAY?! HELL NO! AND ALLIES WITH CAO CAO?! DOUBLE HELL NO!

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

But there's Jin, right?

Pang De

* * *

Pang De,

They have Wen Yang and there's NO way I'm approaching Sima Yi's wife!

Ma Chao

* * *

Sun Quan,

NO PLAN?! WE'RE SCREWED!

* * *

Sima Yi,

Your wife is intimidating. That's my main reason why I didn't join Jin.

Ma Chao

* * *

Sun Quan,

You finally came up with a plan?! What is it?!

Ma Chao

* * *

Sun Quan,

You can't be freaking serious. Fine.

Ma Chao

* * *

Kyuubi,

(attached is a miniature fire bomb that blows up when the letter is open)


	6. Romans

**Chapter 6**

**Ugh. This might spark the ship war again.**

* * *

Sun Quan,

YOUR FIREBOMB PLAN DIDN'T WORK! WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THIS STUPID IDEA?!

* * *

Sun Quan,

Lu Xun and Han Dang? (I should go run them over with my horse.)

Ma Chao

* * *

Creepy Fangirl,

DON'T BLOW ME UP WITH A CANNON! JUST TAKE ONE OF MY HORSES AND HERE'S SIMA YI'S ADDRESS!

(attached is Sima Yi's address and a saddle to Maple)

Ma Chao

* * *

Guo Jia,

Advice on how to do Wang Yi? You'll just give her another reason to hate you.

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Zhao,

Why is there a gigantic box near my new house here in Wu? It has your name on it.

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

Hey! My Transforming Juggernaut Deluxe Bed is here! Send it to me NOW!

Sima Zhao

* * *

(Ma Chao orders Ma Dai to send the box to Sima Zhao.)

* * *

Yue Jin,

Now YOU'RE asking me advice to do Wang Yi? No. (I thought you had an affair with Cai Wenji.)

Ma Chao

* * *

Cao Cao,

I doubt Cai Wenji would want an idiot ambition-obsessed douchebag who just happens to have a thing for the Qiaos. Pedophile. Hahahahahaha!

Ma Chao

* * *

(Wei/Jin Officers POV)

Ma Chao,

So...I got Wang Yi drunk and while she was KO'ed, I raped her. Just saying.

Guo Jia

* * *

Ma Chao,

I may be a pedophile but YOU'RE A SINGLE MAN!

Cao Cao

* * *

Ma Chao,

Why is there a fangirl in my house?

Sima Yi

* * *

Ma Chao,

THERE'S A MASSIVE ARMY OF ROMANS ABOUT TO ATTACK US! DIDN'T WE KILL THEM ALL?

Pang De

* * *

(Normal POV)

To every single strategist in the land,

WE'RE BEING ATTACKED BY ROMANS!

Ma Chao

* * *

Cousin,

Get your horse. We're going to Chengdu. To kill some Romans.

Your Young Master

* * *

Sun Quan,

What's with the black horse with demonic red eyes in the stables?

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

That's Shadowmere. No one really rides him but you can if you want.

Sun Quan

* * *

Kyuubi,

I'm coming for you.

Ma Chao

* * *

Kyuubi,

You're disgusting.

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

I have men at my back but you, painter boy (Ma Dai) and Maceman (Pang De) stand alone and resist.

Kyuubi,

* * *

Kyuubi,

We're not alone.

* * *

Behind the trio, a massive swarm of animals charge in along with Ma Chao, Ma Dai and Pang De.

* * *

**Don't blame me if the ship war starts again. Keep your opinions to yourselves.**


	7. ugh stupid ship war

**Chapter 7**

* * *

Kyuubi,

Oh s***. I really need to fall back.

Ma Chao

P.S. Who the hell is Julius?

* * *

Creepy Fangirl,

Whoops. I think I gave Cao Cao's address to you. (Why didn't I use it to get to where HE is and kill him?!)

Ma Chao

* * *

Creepy Fangirl's sister,

Hmm...Guo Jia? Sima Shi? Zhou Tai? Xu Shu? Zhao Yun? Anyone out of these? If not someone from my land then do it yourself.

Ma Chao

* * *

Pang De,

Yes, we're going back to get more people to help us.

Ma Chao

* * *

Pang De,

Yue Jin's under attack by some fangirl? Well, the only one I hate completely in Wei is Cao Cao so let's help him out.

Ma Chao

* * *

**Pang De and Ma Chao ran to Yue Jin's room (while avoiding most of the Wei officers ESPECIALLY Wang Yi) and noticed the door was locked. Random noises were coming out of the door.**

**"I can't break it!" Ma Chao shouted.**

**"But I can!" Pang De said as he brought out his mace and broke the door down. Both men drew their weapons but when they got in, they saw Yue Jin and Cai Wenji on the bed and...you can think about what's going on yourself though they didn't seem to mind the random disturbance.**

**"Oh skag crap!" **

**Ma Chao ran to the window and jumped out while Pang De just stood there, hyperventilating.**

* * *

(Back to Ma Chao's POV)

Guo Jia,

Cao Cao and Yue Jin are fighting in the palace? I'm guessing it's because of the fact that they BOTH like Cai Wenji.

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

I heard from Pang De that Yue Jin and Cai Wenji...well...you know, had an affair with each other.

Guo Jia

* * *

Cousin,

You heard nothing!

YOUR YOUNG MASTER

* * *

Wang Yi,

What? No. I didn't run around the Wei castle with Pang De!

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

Fine. I did.

Ma Chao


	8. Whom should I side with? Whatevs

**Chapter 7**

* * *

Some sorceress,

I don't take sides in any of my enemy's internal conflicts. Why don't you do something about it since you're so perfect?

Ma Chao

* * *

Kyuubi,

Okay, I can damn well tell that you seduced him.

Ma Chao

* * *

Julius,

Why do you trust a woman you don't even know much about? Have you been seduced?

Ma Chao

Machao,

Who are you?

Julius Caesar

* * *

DAMN YOU JULIUS CAESAR!

My surname and actual name aren't supposed to be glued to each other! Anyway, I am Ma Chao, son of Ma Teng, the Splendor of Xiliang Province!

* * *

Guo Jia,

Both Cao Cao and Yue Jin were killed by Romans? Looks like Cai Wenji will be staying single.

Ma Chao

* * *

Cai Wenji,

You'll give me Cao Cao's horse if I revive both of them? Okay. If you say so. (I really am impressed by Shadow Runner. Getting it will piss Cao Cao off.)

Ma Chao

* * *

(Random People POV)

Ma Chao,

Now I see how people from your land are named. Anyway, I am planning to give my entire land to Kyuubi. Hopefully, she will lead the empire to greatness.

Julius Caesar

* * *

Ma Chao,

I saw Cai Wenji's letter. Go to Sima Yi. He offers services at the cost of people's souls. Jin souls are forbidden unless it's Zhong Hui.

Pang De

* * *

Ma Chao,

Remember me? I wish to speak to the one named Sima Shi. I think I'm in love with him.

Lady Kai

* * *

(Normal POV)

Pang De,

Thanks for the advice.

Ma Chao

* * *

Lady Kai, (Oh. The girl in red whose sword that can turn into a whip.)

I would but I don't have his address.

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Yi,

I wish to revive Cao Cao and Yue Jin.

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

Whose souls shall I take? One revival is equal to one soul.

Sima Yi

* * *

Sima Yi,

Hmm...Li Dian and Zhong Hui?

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

I'll take Zhong Hui's but not Li Dian's.

Sima Yi

* * *

(Hmm...Aha!)

* * *

Sima Yi,

How about Zhao Yun's soul?

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

Very well. I'll get Zhong Hui BUT can you get Zhao Yun over here?

Sima Yi

* * *

Sima Yi,

Well he's gay for me for some reason so I think I've got an idea.

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhao Yun,

Come alone here.

(attached is Sima Yi's address, the right one)

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

I'M COMING FOR YOU MY LOVE!

Zhao Yun

* * *

Sima Yi,

It worked! Told ya Zhao Yun was gay.

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

Cunning plan, my friend. Cao Cao and Yue Jin will be back in about fifteen minutes.

Sima Yi

* * *

Cai Wenji,

I got help and Cao Cao and Yue Jin are back.

Ma Chao

* * *

Cai Wenji,

At least you keep your word. Thanks.

Ma Chao

* * *

Cao Cao,

I got your horse. Now does that make you pissed?

Ma Chao

* * *

Guo Jia, Pang De and Li Dian,

What? Cao Cao and Yue Jin have an army of women and they're fighting each other in Luoyang? And they have signs that say "Cao Cao X Cai Wenji" and the others have "Yue Jin X Cai Wenji"? Okay, this is getting out of hand. But first...

* * *

Brutus,

(attached is the "Kyuubi will be given Rome" letter)

Does this make you pissed at your emperor?

Ma Chao


	9. I'm staying neutral on this one

**Chapter 9**

* * *

Kyuubi,

DAMN YOU!

Ma Chao

* * *

Cai Wenji,

Well, I don't really care about who wins between Yue Jin and Cao Cao.

Ma Chao

* * *

Cao Cao,

No. I won't kill Yue Jin for you.

Ma Chao

* * *

Yue Jin,

No. I won't kill Cao Cao for you.

Ma Chao

* * *

Xiaoqiao,

Why did you send me this?! (A graphical drawing of Zhao Yun, Ma Dai and Jiang Wei in a three way)

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhou Yu,

Have you been treating your wife well? She keeps sending me weird stuff.

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhou Yu,

You're not aware? Well, keep an eye on her.

Ma Chao

* * *

Xiaoqiao,

Oh look. More stuff I could use for the fireplace! (Sent to Ma Chao was a drawing of him having his way with Wang Yi.)

(wasn't signed)

* * *

Xiaoqiao,

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! (THAT GIGGLY GIRL SENT THE SAME DRAWING TO WANG YI! NOW I'M TOTALLY SCREWED!)

(also not signed)

* * *

Wang Yi,

I excelled in equestrian skills. Not drawing.

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

It wasn't my cousin either! It was Xiaoqiao!

Ma Chao

* * *

Spy I sent to Rome a while ago,

Any bright ideas?

Ma Chao

Master Ma Chao,

There are two other leaders along with Caesar: Marcus Licinius Crassus and Pompey (the Great)

* * *

To: Marcus Licinius Crassus and Pompey the Great,

I heard that your emperor is planning to give the empire to his new love, Kyuubi. How do you feel?

From: Ma Chao

* * *

Cao Cao and Yue Jin,

Can't you two share Cai Wenji if both of you will just fight over her?

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

NO! CAI WENJI IS MINE!

Cao Cao (and Yue Jin. They both sent the same letter.)

* * *

Fangirl army leaders,

Why are you lot taking sides?! This won't really do any good.

Ma Chao

* * *

Guo Jia, Pang De and Li Dian,

Well, they don't want to share her with each other.

Ma Chao

* * *

Guo Jia, Pang De and Li Dian,

WHAT?! EVEN THE WEI OFFICERS ARE NOW TAKING SIDES! Not really my problem but still.

Ma Chao

* * *

Guo Jia, (I'm surprised he didn't take a side.)

So the ones on Cao Cao's side are Dian Wei, Xu Zhu, Jia Xu, Cao Pi and Zhenji while on Yue Jin's side are Li Dian, Pang De, Zhang Liao, Wang Yi, (Why is she taking a side?) and Sima Yi? Wow. This is starting to get out of control. Everyone else is just watching?

Ma Chao

* * *

Cai Wenji,

Time for you to choose! Otherwise, this whole place is gonna be filled with random mail.

Ma Chao

Lord Ma Chao,

I can't! I owe Lord Cao Cao a lot and Lord Yue Jin is so hot! I can't really choose both of them, right?

Cai Wenji

* * *

Cai Wenji,

But they'll just keep fighting over you! (Screw this. I'm going to a tavern.)

Ma Chao


	10. Two Surveys, No winner

**Chapter 10**

* * *

Pompey,

I see. (WHY ISN'T HE AT LEAST SUSPICIOUS ABOUT KYUUBI?!)

Ma Chao

* * *

Crassus,

Firstly, My name is not one word. It's Ma Chao. Secondly, The letter from Caesar, I forwarded it to your late friend, Brutus.

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY LATE?!

Marcus Crassus

* * *

Marcus Crassus,

Kyuubi killed him since he was suspicious of her. In fact, she's a foreign demon in disguise.

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

I FOUND THE LETTER THAT JULIUS GAVE YOU! HOW DARE HE! Very well, I shall pray to the gods for help. In the meantime, send troops of your own to assist my legions.

Marcus Crassus

* * *

Kyuubi,

(attached was an anti demon bomb that explodes upon opening)

* * *

(Huh. That worked.)

* * *

Ma Chao,

I thank you for your bravery! Now, to teach Julius a lesson for being so careless!

Crassus

* * *

Cai Wenji,

So to settle the feud, the sent surveys to me? Fine.

Ma Chao

* * *

**Cao Cao's Survey**

1\. Are you gay?  
NO

2\. What kind of horses do you have?  
YOUR HORSE, Mahogany and Birch

3\. Will you give my horse back?  
NO!

4\. Wang Yi kills 60 peons per minute. How many would she kill in 30 minutes?  
1800 (Math questions? Seriously?)

5\. How many times does your cousin paint in a week?  
Like 10 per week.

6\. Are you single?  
Yes, THANKS TO YOU!

7\. Who would Wang Yi kill first? You or Zhang He?  
Me, obviously (Dumbass. It's already obvious.)

8\. Do you eat horsemeat?  
(Ugh. F*** this s***!)

* * *

**Yue Jin's Survey**

1\. Are you single?  
Yes.

2\. Why did you leave Shu?  
Zhao Yun is gay.

3\. Was Mulan a good movie?  
Okay-ish

4\. Frozen?  
Never watched it.

5\. Fifty Shades of Gray?  
Nope.

6\. Lion King?  
Okay-ish

7\. Avengers?  
Damn right.

8\. Human Centipede?  
(WHY THE F*** DID YOU MENTION THAT MOVIE WANG YI SENT TO ME?!)

* * *

Cao Cao and Yue Jin,

To be honest, BOTH YOUR SURVEYS SUCK! I couldn't stand the eighth questions in them!

Ma Chao

* * *

Marcus Crassus,

Kyuubi might come back. Be on your guard. And you just made a friend out of me.

Ma Chao


	11. Testosterone, cookies and stuff

**Chapter 11**

* * *

Marcus Crassus,

Thank you. And the kingdom I'm in is allies with Shu. (half the time)

Ma Chao

P.S. It's Shu. Not Shoe. Your pronounced it right anyway

* * *

Cao Cao and Yue Jin,

WOULD YOU TWO STOP FIGHTING OVER A WOMAN?! MY MAILBOX IS ALREADY LOADED WITH ALL YOUR "CAN YOU KILL MY RIVAL" LETTERS!

(it wasn't even signed)

* * *

Zhuge Liang,

Your wife's latest invention? Okay...I'll try it.

Ma Chao

(Sent to Ma Chao is a syringe containing a liquid that increases the user's testosterone levels dramatically)

* * *

**(After taking the shot...)**

**MC: What is this feeling...I feel...really...ANGRY!**

* * *

(He lost control by this time)

COW COW (Cao Cao) AND SHORT GUY (Yue Jin),

YOU TWO WON'T STOP THEN I'LL BE THE ONE WHO'S GOING TO DO IT!

* * *

ASSASSIN LADY (Wang Yi),

STAY OUT OF THIS!

* * *

PERVERT (Guo Jia),

YOU AS WELL OR I'LL DESTROY YOUR UNBORN BABIES!

* * *

**At Luoyang,**

**A still testosterone-induced Ma Chao runs over the quarreling Cao Cao and Yue Jin with Shadow Runner. He raises his Silver Stallion spear in triumph.**

**"THAT'S FOR ALL THAT CRAP MAIL!"  
**

**"Cai...Wenji...is mine." the two said weakly. Ma Chao was still raging.**

**"SHADDAP!"**

**He then bashes their heads together and knocks them out cold with the butt of his spear.**

* * *

PAINTER MAN (Ma Dai),

I'M YOUR YOUNG MASTER AND I SAY I DON'T NEED TO CALM DOWN! NOW GO GET A COOKIE!

* * *

LADY (Zhou Yu),

I DON'T NEED TO CALM DOW...-long streak of ink-

* * *

**(He's back to normal)**

**MC: (on the ground, getting up, seeing a terrified Ma Dai with a plate of cookies.) What?**

**MD: (shaking) H...H...Here's your cookies, Young Master.**

**MC: I don't remember asking for cookies but thanks anyway.**

* * *

Wang Yi,

Huh? I don't remember beating up Cao Cao and Yue Jin (I wish I remembered beating Cao Cao up.)

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

Don't play dumb! I saw everything! You were screaming random crap at them before knocking them out!

Wang Yi

P.S. Why Assassin Lady?

* * *

Wang Yi,

Oh. (I blame Yueying and her testosterone increasing drug)

Ma Chao

* * *

(this letter was sent to Ma Chao by accident)

Wang Yi,

Oh fine. You and Jia Chong stop by my quarters.

Sima Yi

* * *

Sima Yi,

How did this end up in my mail? And what's happening right now? Aren't you married?

(Attached is the same letter above)

* * *

(a few hours of drinking later...)

* * *

Wang Yi,

You were impregnated by Jia Chong (Oh right. Sima Zhao's vampire BFF)? Not that I care but...what? You're like old enough to be his mom.

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

Okay. Okay. I'll stop. Here's some cookies from my cousin. I'm not really a dessert kind of person.

(Attached: Same cookies Ma Dai made during Ma Chao's testosterone rage.)

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

You don't really have to say you're getting married to Jia Chong. You two have like personalities.

Ma Chao


	12. Tribute to Mail Time with Zhou Yu

**Chapter 12**

* * *

Marcus Crassus,

A scribe that's fluent in both Roman and Chinese writing systems? What are the odds?

Ma Chao

* * *

Creepy Fangirl's sister,

Huh? And I thought she moved on.

Ma Chao

* * *

Creepy Fangirl with a bazooka,

(Inserted was a picture of Sima Yi drawn by Ma Dai)

Ma Chao

* * *

Cao Cao and Yue Jin, (Well they recovered quickly)

CAN'T YOU TWO RAGING IMBECILES MOVE ON?! (Gee. I'm starting to sound like Sima Yi)

Ma Chao

* * *

Xiaoqiao,

I'm telling you now that I don't want your vulgar drawings!

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhou Yu,

Can you PLEASE keep an eye on your wife?!

Ma Chao

* * *

Daqiao,

Can you PLEASE keep an eye on your sister?!

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhao Yun, (HOW THE HECK IS THIS GAY STILL ALIVE?!)

GET OUT OF MY LIFE!

(It wasn't even signed)

* * *

Sun Quan,

Who was the guy in a meatbun costume who took Ma Dai's meatbuns?

Ma Chao

* * *

Sun Quan,

Zhou Tai? Well that's a first.

Ma Chao

* * *

Xiahou Dun,

I know you already have a niece. Her name is Xiahou Xiuying. (Haha! Perks of having Pang De as my friend while he's in Wei!)

Ma Chao

* * *

Xiahou Dun,

Xiahou Ba? Isn't he your nephew?

Ma Chao

* * *

Xiahou Dun,

Xun Yu did what?

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhou Yu,

This letter is calling you "He Who Has Bed Ten Thousand Men and Women". What in the world is going on?

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhou Yu,

You're WHAT?!

* * *

Zhou Yu,

No! I'm not gonna sleep with you and Sun Ce!

Ma Chao


	13. Breaking Manly Areas and Revivals

**Chapter 13**

* * *

Wang Yuanji,

Huh? I don't know what you mean. (IS SHE COMMITING ADULTERY?!)

Ma Chao

* * *

Marcus Crassus,

Uh...alright.

Ma Chao

* * *

Daqiao,

You found out? I was gonna tell you anyway.

Ma Chao

* * *

Xiaoqiao,

I'm pretty sure she means having an affair. JUST LIKE ALL THE DRAWINGS THAT YOU DRAW THAT ARE MOSTLY HOMO! (Yet she still drew me having my way with Wang Yi. No thanks.)

Ma Chao

* * *

Cousin,

(Attached was the letter from Guan Yinping)

You've had a girlfriend this whole time? Why is almost EVERYONE here hooked up with someone but ME?!

Your Young Master

* * *

Cao Pi,

How did this end up in my mail? I'll help you in case your (dumb, perverted, dumb) father does not.

Ma Chao

* * *

Hanbei,

Firstly, I have a name. Secondly, I don't screw my horses. Thirdly, I will NEVER eat horse meat. Fourthly, I'm not blonde, Fifthly, The painter guy is my cousin. Lastly, NO MORE QUESTIONS!

Ma Chao

* * *

Liu Bei,

Guess what? You guys get Daqiao.

Ma Chao

* * *

Cousin,

I think I should start a mercenary business. I'm gonna go save the privacy of Cao Pi's wife.

Your Young Master

* * *

**At Xuchang,**

**Guo Jia was about to sneak into the women's bathhouse when Ma Chao suddenly ran him over with Shadow Runner. While he was on the ground, the ex-Shu cavalry general kicked the downed strategist in his manly area.**

**"I did remember threatening you in my testosterone rage so TAKE THAT!" Ma Chao yells in triumph.**

**"AH! MY BEAUTIFUL UNBORN BABIES!" Guo Jia cried in pain. Cao Pi pops out of nowhere and tosses Ma Chao a small bag of gold.**

**"I'll thank you through this gold but you should leave before Wang Yi finds out." the prince of Wei suggested.**

**Instantly, Ma Chao got on Shadow Runner and rode out.**

* * *

Guo Jia, (He recovered quickly)

NO! I may be single but, I don't want a harem right now.

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhao Ang, (HE'S STILL ALIVE?!)

What? No. You're wife hasn't been cheating on you. (I can't believe he's actually asking for that.)

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhao Yue, (HE'S ALSO ALIVE?!)

You're actually alive? You know, I'm not supposed to tell you this but I think you should keep an eye on your mother. While you were "dead", she's been doing stuff.

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhao Ang,

Oh. You found out about Wang Yi and Jia Chong. I'm sorry but I don't know where they are.

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhao Yue,

I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR MOTHER IS RIGHT NOW! (Screw this. I'm going to a tavern, again)

Ma Chao


	14. Untitled for no reason

**Chapter 14**

* * *

Creepy Fangirl's Sister,

Why I like "justice"? It's because it's the one thing I live up to! (I'll admit, I have been quite a hypocrite sometimes.)

Ma Chao

* * *

Hanbei,

Firstly, I'm not in a relationship with a horse. Secondly, Sima Zhao's okay. Thirdly, my cousin's okay. Fourthly, Huang Zhong is still alive. Fifthly, you may not. Lastly, DIDN'T I SAY NO MORE QUESTIONS?!

Ma Chao

* * *

Kanbei Kuroda,

Oh. Thank you.

Ma Chao

* * *

Xiaoqiao,

Firstly, I have a name. And finally, I won't explain it since you're (technically) just a kid.

Ma Chao

* * *

Cousin,

WHY THE F*** HAVE YOU BEEN HOOKING UP WITH THESE FIVE LADIES?! YOU KNOW MOST OF THEM ARE MARRIED, RIGHT?! AND LU BU IS GOING TO KILL YOU IF HE FINDS OUT!

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Zhao,

I'll answer for you. As long as Yan truly is your son, there is nothing to be paranoid about. (Unless his wife is actually committing adultery which I have to confirm.)

Ma Chao

* * *

Raistlin Majere,

Firstly, who are you? And secondly, These five were not cats before. They're human (probably another Xun Yu prank according to Sima Yi.)

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhang Bao,

Uh. sure? Her husband is gay anyway.

Ma Chao

* * *

Lu Xun,

Here's the letter from Sun Quan.

(attached is the letter from Sun Quan to Lu Xun)

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Yi,

I want to know why Zhao Ang and Zhao Yue are alive. Not that I want them dead again. I'm just curious.

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Yi,

WHAT?! Those guys' souls for those two? (How did he even get his hands on Lu Bu's and Dong Zhuo's souls?)

One last question: Why?

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Yi,

A late gift? Weren't you aware of her and Jia Chong?

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

WHAT?! THAT WOMAN IS ALMOST OLD ENOUGH TO BE HIS MOTHER!

Sima Yi

* * *

Sima Yi,

Told ya.

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Zhao,

Your best friend is getting married to Wang Yi!

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

WHAT?! SHE'S OLD ENOUGH TO BE HIS MOM!

Sima Zhao

* * *

Zhao Ang,

I never slept with your wife. She'll strangle me if I try anything. And finally, I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE IS!

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhao Yue,

Oh right. You're like as old as Sima Zhao right now so...I don't know.

Ma Chao

* * *

Xun Yu,

Change them back to normal NOW!

(attached was the cage containing the cat-ified Liu Shan and Guan siblings)

Ma Chao

* * *

Xun Yu,

Finally. Thank you.

Ma Chao


	15. I just watched Age of Ultron

**Chapter 15**

* * *

Kyuubi,

Ugh. F*** my life.

Ma Chao

* * *

Orochi,

Are you sure you REALLY want to fight Kyuubi? Okaaaaaaay if it floats your boat.

Ma Chao

* * *

Creepy Fangirl,

(I don't want to get her sister involved so...) Cao Cao and Yue Jin did!

Ma Chao

* * *

Cao Pi,

Why is your father's and Yue Jin's manly areas burnt like steak? I have no idea.

Ma Chao

* * *

Guan Yu,

"Goddess of War"? Uh...Master Guan Yu, if you're trying to make a joke, avoid making fun of yourself.

Ma Chao

* * *

Guan Yu,

WHAT?! NO!

Ma Chao

* * *

Guan Yu,

We are not f***ing lovers! That's basically impossible!

Ma Chao

* * *

Guan Yu,

No. Ma Dai is my cousin. Not my son.

Ma Chao

* * *

Guan Yu,

F*** off!

(not even signed)

* * *

Liu Bei,

Am I supposed to care? He basically started it.

Ma Chao

* * *

Xiahou Dun,

This has happened before?! When?!

Ma Chao

* * *

Xiahou Dun,

He/She came after you and Lu Meng? That's...disgusting.

Ma Chao

* * *

Orochi,

How's the "fighting Kyuubi" part?

Ma Chao

* * *

Orochi,

Oh cool. Thanks for the help.

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

Uh...What are you doing here in Wu?

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

Oh right...Zhao Ang found out about you and Jia Chong. Anyways, they were brought back by Sima Yi via Lu Bu's and Dong Zhuo's souls

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

How Kyuubi is occupied? Got help from Orochi.

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

Are you f***ing crazy?!

Wang Yi

* * *

Wang Yi,

I was very desperate that time! Now, I've got a female Guan Yu problem right now!

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

I knew you were going to say that. Which is why...

* * *

Guan Yu,

(attached is a bomb that seals the victim's soul in a jar.)

Hasta la Vista


	16. Moving and Monster Hunter crossover-ish

**Chapter 16**

* * *

Kyuubi,

Why Orochi is on our side? He was desparate to fight you.

Ma Chao

* * *

Raistlin Majere,

Oh come on. I can handle being annoyed by people (unless they're gay.)

Ma Chao

* * *

Random fangirl,

Wow. More stuff for the fireplace. Thanks.

Ma Chao

* * *

Cousin,

Prepare the fireplace! I have more stuff to burn.

Your Young Master

* * *

Yueying,

Hell no! I'm not going to take your testosterone drug again!

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

You want me to join Wei? Why?

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

Can you keep an eye on my (ex) husband for a while?

Wang Yi

* * *

Cousin,

Pack your stuff. We're moving to Pang De's place.

Your Young Master

* * *

Cao Pi,

Ma Dai and I are joining Wei. Where's your father?

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

Still fighting with Yue Jin. Lord Xiahou Dun and I are in charge while they're scuffling.

Cao Pi

* * *

Pang De,

We're moving in because Wang Yi wants me to keep an eye on Zhao Ang.

Ma Chao

* * *

Guo Jia,

I heard you having your way with like six maids in your room. It's my first day here in Wei and I'm feeling dead.

Ma Chao

* * *

Cao Cao,

Unless you and Yue Jin stop fighting over Cai Wenji, I'm not gonna give Shadow Runner back. (Even if he does, I still have Shadowmere! HAHA!)

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhao Ang,

I still don't know where your wife is. Okay?

Ma Chao

* * *

Pang De,

Which reminds me, I still have Guan Yu's soul! What can I do with it?

Ma Chao

Master Ma Chao,

Might I suggest the revival of someone?

Pang De

* * *

Pang De,

It's gonna take a while for me to think.

Ma Chao

* * *

Cao Cao,

You and Yue Jin finally stopped. Here's Shadow Runner.

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

WHY THE F*** ARE YOU IN WEI?!

Cao Cao

* * *

Cao Cao,

Firstly, I can't deal with gay people like Zhao Yun, Sun Ce and Zhou Yu. Secondly, Wang Yi wants me to do stuff here (might as well keep it a secret). Thirdly, I trust some people here.

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Yi,

What is this unicorn thing with a mustache doing near my house?

Ma Chao

* * *

**Ma Chao approaches the unicorn slowly. It suddenly rears and when it's back to regular position, lightning strikes around it. The ex-Shu general was baffled.**

**"Oh s*** you can summon lightning! I'll call you 'Kirin'! I guess that works. It sounds like Qilin."**

* * *

Cousin,

I have a lighting unicorn!

Your Young Master

* * *

Pang De,

I have a lightning unicorn!

Ma Chao

* * *

Cao Pi,

I have a lightning unicorn!

Ma Chao

* * *

Guo Jia,

I have a lightning unicorn! And stop putting semen on your letters!

Ma Chao

* * *

Sun Ce,

I have a lightning unicorn!

Ma Chao

* * *

Xu Shu,

I have a lightning unicorn! Now come here to Wei if you don't want to deal with Jiang Wei being gay.

Ma Chao


	17. Random Censored Swears

**Chapter 17**

* * *

Kyuubi,

Just stop f***ing with our lives, will you?

Ma Chao

* * *

Orochi,

Oh right. Marcus Crassus.

Ma Chao

* * *

Marcus Crassus,

Yes. He is one of our allies. (until he starts challenging you.)

Ma Chao

* * *

Guo Jia,

Uh...Hide the fact that you impregnated the maid? Put her to sleep?

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhou Yu,

You do know that men cannot be pregnant, right? I think you're just being paranoid.

Ma Chao

* * *

Jiang Wei,

What kind of ancient scroll?!

Ma Chao

* * *

Jiang Wei,

There's a baby growing in Zhou Yu's ...w...WHAT THE (random censored swear words).

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhao Ang,

Stop asking me!

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhao Ang,

Now there's a baby growing in y...y...OH F*** my piece of s*** life!

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhao Yun,

You're disgusting. F*** you.

Ma Chao

* * *

Jiang Wei,

Your little spell made some male officers pregnant!

Ma Chao

* * *

Jiang Wei,

I don't care if you plan to use that spell on Sima Yi! Just stop doing it!

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Yi,

There's a baby growing in you? Blame Jiang Wei.

Ma Chao

* * *

Jiang Wei,

(attached is a soul-taking bomb)

Hasta la vista.

* * *

Sima Yi,

Why are you eating his soul?

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Yi,

The soul keeps screaming "benevolence"? Put him in a boombox and send it back to Liu Bei, I suggest.

Ma Chao


	18. Meh More souls

**Chapter 18**

* * *

Kyuubi,

F*** OFF!

Ma Chao

* * *

Marcus,

He's not that heartless unless you tick him off.

Ma Chao

* * *

Orochi,

Doing some research? Cool.

Ma Chao

* * *

Creepy Fangirl,

Why not just shoot them with a bazooka?

Ma Chao

* * *

Some Random Person,

Gee, I don't know. Maybe she doesn't like Cao Cao. (He may not be so heartless but look at how he tries to conquer everything!)

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhuge Liang,

Should I even care about Jiang Wei?

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

Huh? You got raped by Jia Chong and now your engagement is off? Okay...

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhao Ang,

Go get Jia Chong! He raped your (ex) wife!

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhao Ang,

What do you mean you don't care? Didn't you love Wang Yi?

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhao Yue,

Jia Chong raped your mother. Get him!

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhao Yue,

At least you care. Nice one.

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

Nah. I'd rather deal with Cao Cao as an ally than deal with gay people as allies.

Ma Chao

* * *

Jia Chong,

NO! DON'T TRY TO KILL ME!

Ma Chao

* * *

**At Luoyang...**

**Jia Chong was chasing Ma Chao around. From the throne room (where Cao Pi and Xiahou Dun are) all the way to the outskirts of the city. When Jia Chong caught up to him,**

**"Why are you trying to kill me?!" Ma Chao asked.**

**"Eh. I never really liked her. I was only there because of Lord Sima Yi's request." Jia Chong answered as he brought out his throwing axe.**

**Before he could cut the ex-Shu general's head off, however, he was impaled by Kirin (just like the one from Monster Hunter). It began to trot around Ma Chao while causing lightning to hit the ground at the same time.**

* * *

Sima Yi,

I've got Jia Chong's soul. I'm gonna taste it now.

Ma Chao

* * *

(Tasting Jia Chong's soul...)

MC: (I'm getting the urge to watch a slasher movie now. AND IT'S FREAKING SALTY! IS THERE BLOOD ON IT?!)

* * *

Sima Yi,

(attached is Jia Chong's partly tasted soul)

Here. Do whatever you want with it.

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Yi,

Oh right. I'm gonna request my father, Ma Teng to be brought back to life. Here's Guan Yu's soul.

(Attached is Guan Yu's soul.)

Ma Chao


	19. Voodoo dolls and Absolute Rage

**Chapter 19**

* * *

Guo Jia,

I don't mind going out for some drinks.

Ma Chao

* * *

Pang De,

Sure. Tag along with me and Guo Jia.

Ma Chao

* * *

**In Luoyang Palace,**

**Ma Chao was sleeping. He strangely felt warm. Realizing something was not right, he wakes up to see...**

**Wang Yi hugging him really tight.**

**"Uh...What are you doing?" he asks.**

**"I'm possessed or something! I can't control myself!" she replied.**

**"Um...Wang Yi, I'm not trying to offend you or anything but this is not funny."**

**"Of course it's not, you imbecile! Someone's controlling my movements!"**

**Ma Chao tries to pry Wang Yi off but after a while, she was finally off of him. That is until Ma Chao is suddenly thrown to the ceiling violently and Wang Yi again loses control of her arms. She suddenly grabs Ma Chao and puts his face in her chest.**

**"I'm frickin possessed as well!" he shouted, muffled.**

**"Uh..." Wang Yi couldn't really say a word.**

**They get thrown around the room (strangely enough with no one hearing them) and the next thing they knew, they were suddenly kissing.**

**Meanwhile in Shu,**

**"Who knew Zhuge Liang's voodoo dolls worked out so well! I misjudged the guy."**

**Back to Wei,**

**When they got separated, Ma Chao was NOT so happy.**

**"I WILL FIND THAT BASTARD WHO'S BEEN CONTROLLING US AND MAKE THEM FEEL KIRIN'S LIGHTNING OF DOOOOOOOOM!"**

**"Wait, wha..." before Wang Yi could finish, Ma Chao dashed for the stables.**

**she, well, got traumatized by that event. She couldn't say another word. Her mouth was hung open in confusion.**

* * *

Zuo Ci,

I KNOW YOU HAVE FREAKING VOODOO DOLLS! WERE YOU CONTROLLING ME AND WANG YI THIS WHOLE TIME?!

(not even signed)

* * *

Zhang Chunhua,

WERE YOU CONTROLLING ME AND WANG YI VIA VOODOO DOLLS?!

(also not signed)

Lord Ma Chao,

My goodness. Calm down. It's like your testosterone doubled. Anyways, I only have voodoo dolls of my husband and sons so don't blame me.

Zhang Chunhua

* * *

Zhang Chunhua,

Sorry, milady. Last one.

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhuge Liang,

IF YOU WERE CONTROLLING ME AND WANG YI VIA VOODOO DOLLS. I AM GOING TO SHOVE MY SPEAR UP YOUR ASS!

* * *

Zhuge Liang,

NOT LIKE "THAT", YOU DIRTY BASTARD!

* * *

Zhuge Liang,

Are you really telling the truth that you didn't have your voodoo dolls that entire time?!

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhuge Liang,

Okaaaay...we'll see about this.

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhang Fei,

YOU BETTER NOT PLAY DUMB! I HEARD FROM ZHUGE LIANG THAT YOU BORROWED HIS VOODOO DOLLS! ZUO CI NEVER USES THEM AND ZHANG CHUNHUA DOESN'T HAVE ME AND WANG YI VOODOO DOLLS! I AM GONNA ASK YOU ONCE: WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I RESPECT WANG YI DESPITE THE FACT THAT SHE FREAKING HATES ME!

* * *

Guo Jia,

What happened? Sweet justice/revenge. (Hehe. Breaking his head, having Kirin electrocute his manly area AND stealing all of his wine was good enough.)

Ma Chao

* * *

To everyone in Wei and Jin,

Who wants wine which I took from Zhang Fei?

Ma Chao


	20. Drinking and more voodoo dolls

**Chapter 20**

* * *

Whoever you are,

Why don't you ask your sister yourself?

Ma Chao

* * *

Nobunaga Oda,

Okay. Just this once. I have personal problems I still have not solved yet. (Like how I'm supposed to explain the incident regarding me, Wang Yi and voodoo dolls to Zhao Ang)

Ma Chao

P.S. Yue Jin is one of the first few officers who joined Cao Cao

P.P.S. Since when were you and Cao Cao cousins?

* * *

Yue Jin,

(attached is a springrazor from Dishonored)

Sorry.

Ma Chao

* * *

Father,

Oh. Hi! You're back. And the reason I'm here with Ma Dai and Pang De in Wei is because gay people.

Your son

* * *

Father,

Uh...Zhang He is not gay. He's just feminine-like but he fights like a man.

Your son

* * *

**At a tavern,**

**Sitting around a table are Ma Chao, Guo Jia and Pang De.**

**"So Zhang Fei controlled you and Wang Yi via voodoo dolls? And made you two kiss each other?" Guo Jia asked.**

**"Yes he did. I taught him quite a lesson by having Kirin electrocute his manly area." Ma Chao replied.**

**"Haha. Such interesting stories, Master Ma Chao! Anyway, let's finish all this stolen wine!" Pang De said.**

**The three men laughed and toasted their cups loaded with Zhang Fei's wine and started drinking. They noticed Wang Yi coming inside all wobbly and taking a seat between Guo Jia and Pang De.**

**"Oh. Hi, Lady Wang Yi." Pang De greeted.**

**"Some douchebag made me have my way with Sima Yi."**

**Pang De's jaw dropped, Guo Jia spat out his wine and Ma Chao simply dropped his head and huffed before asking.**

**"Let me guess: with voodoo dolls?"**

**"Seems like it."**

**Ma Chao sighed and drank the entire cup of wine before heading to the stables.**

**"Let's go douchebag hunting, again." he said to himself.**

* * *

Nobunaga Oda,

I did destroy Yue Jin for you! I sliced him to pieces!

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhuge Liang,

Did you let someone use your voodoo dolls AGAIN?!

Ma Chao

* * *

(He's not answering for some reason)

* * *

Guo Jia,

WHAT?! NOW THE ONES BEING CONTROLLED ARE NOT ONLY WANG YI AND SIMA YI BUT ALSO ZHANG CHUNHUA?!

Ma Chao

* * *

MC: (Wait a second, Zhuge Liang not answering back, has voodoo dolls and controlling Sima Yi?!)

* * *

**Night time, Near Zhuge Liang's house,**

**Ma Chao watched from the window in astonishment as Zhuge Liang was using his voodoo dolls of Sima Yi, Wang Yi and Zhang Chunhua and putting them in inappropriate positions. Thanks to the fact that the strategist was too busy with his fantasies, the ex-Shu general snuck in. Zhuge Liang suddenly realized someone went in but...**

**"Oh, my dear, are you ready for our little session tonight?" he said without turning around to see who it really is.**

**BUT when he does turn around, he was helpless. Ma Chao pulls off a Sima Yi and laughs like a maniac. He calls for Kirin to go inside. Suspiciously, no one could hear them. When Yueying went inside though, Kirin knocks her unconscious with a back kick. Ma Chao pulls out a gun and kicks Zhuge Liang down before shoving the barrel into his butt and pulling the trigger.**

**"Looks like I..." he then puts on sunglasses.**

**"bust the cap in your ass."**

**YEAH! Ma Chao and Kirin then left leaving Zhuge Liang in extreme pain.**

* * *

The next day...

* * *

Guo Jia,

More sweet justice/revenge happened. (That magic bullet will make his body part female! Mwahahahaha!)

Ma Chao

* * *

Guo Jia,

Let's go drinking!

Ma Chao

* * *

**As Guo Jia, Ma Chao and Pang De were drinking, they vomited a few seconds later. After recovering, they smelled the wine and found out that it had a familiar smell of urine mixed with wine.**

**"SOMEONE TOOK A PISS IN OUR WINE!" All three men shouted so loud that they must have been heard across Wei territory.**


	21. Short Outbreak of the Living Zhang He

**Chapter 21**

* * *

**Remember that Fairy Tail episode that's like Night of the Living Dead except with more Ichiya in it? Well, here's something like that happening in the DW universe.**

* * *

Guo Jia,

Did you find the one who peed on our wine yet?

Ma Chao

* * *

Guo Jia,

Uh...This only says "Beauty and Grace"

Ma Chao

* * *

(Ma Chao then got 10 more copies of the same letter.)

* * *

Guo Jia,

Quit spamming, you pervert!

Ma Chao

* * *

Pang De,

Am I supposed to believe that Guo Jia is acting like a Zhang He zombie? I think you're just tired.

Ma Chao

* * *

Pang De,

Okay. I believe you. His entire head looks like Zhang He's. Another question is how far does this thing spread?

Ma Chao

* * *

Pang De,

WHAT?!

Ma Chao

* * *

**In Luoyang Palace,**

**Chaos erupts when a strange infection occurs as more people get infected by the "Zhang He Virus" as Pang De preferred to call it. Ma Chao was running for the stables when more went his way, including an infected Cao Ren, Ma Teng and Zhao Ang.**

**"Beauty...Elegance...Grace..." they groaned.**

**Ma Chao plowed through the group by sweeping them with his spear. He meets Pang De, Ma Dai and Wang Yi outside. They were holding a plank, a broom and a pair of wooden sticks respectively. Their weapons are stored away.**

**"Anybody not infected?" Ma Chao asked.**

**"Nope." Everyone else replied.**

**They all dash for the stables but there were no horses there.**

**"Oh s***." Wang Yi cursed.**

**"We can't run away from them! They can still catch up to us!" Ma Dai said.**

**The group see Cao Cao and Cai Wenji on Shadow Runner. However, the ZH zombies ambush them and cause the black horse to rear, throwing off Cao Cao. They suddenly start licking Cao Cao. Another second later, he's a Zhang He zombie.**

**"WHAT THE F***?!" Pang De panicked.**

**Ma Chao then pulls out a horse shaped whistle.**

**"What's that for, Young Master?" Ma Dai asked.**

**"I use this for emergencies only."**

**He blows into the whistle. A few seconds of waiting and infected smacking later, Kirin, Shadowmere and Mahogany plow through the horde. They then get on (Ma Chao on Kirin, Ma Dai on Shadowmere, Wang Yi on Shadow Runner with Cai Wenji and Pang De on Mahogany) and ride away.**

**Hours later,**

**They stop in Wu territory, near Jianye. As they stop and dismount, they saw Lianshi and Zhou Tai running towards them.**

**"What's wrong?" Cai Wenji asked.**

**"Everyone's turned into Zhang He!" Lianshi answered.**

**"Did it spread to Shu?" Ma Dai gets into the conversation.**

**"Apparently, it did. I heard so from the Guan siblings." Zhou Tai replied.**

**"At this rate, the entire land will be infected. Or even to the foreign countries!" Wang Yi realized.**

**"Marcus Crassus won't be so happy when that happens." Pang De said.**

**"If only Kaguya can help u..."**

**Before Ma Chao can explain, Kaguya DOES appear in front of everyone.**

**"I have heard of your crisis. What do you need?" she asked.**

**"Why is this happening?" Ma Dai requested.**

**Kaguya shows them a mirror showing Zhang He creating a potion. He accidentally knocked it down, shattering it and infecting himself and everyone nearby (Guo Jia included).**

**"Can you send us back in time to that specific event? I mean right before that event?"**

**"Of course."**

**Ma Chao, Ma Dai, Wang Yi and Pang De are shining in golden light before disappearing.**

**10 minutes before initial outbreak...**

**They sneak into Zhang He's room and steal his alchemy ingredients. A few seconds later, they were back to a different future. Ma Chao brings out the Staples Easy button and presses it.**

**"That was easy."**

**They all went back to their specific kingdoms and get a not-so-good night sleep.**

* * *

Zhang He,

I don't know where your potion ingredients are.

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhang He,

Would you believe me if I tell you that the potion would've caused an outbreak big enough to infect the entire land?

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhang He,

Oh. You believe me. Thank you.

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhao Ang,

(sigh. Everything's back to normal.) I didn't sleep with Wang Yi on purpose! It was because of Zhang Fei with voodoo dolls!

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhao Ang,

You don't believe me?! Oh come on! Zhang Chunhua has voodoo dolls of her husband and sons!

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhao Yue,

I never wanted to sleep with your mother. She'll strangle me for me killing you.

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhao Yue,

Oh. You believe me? Thank you.

Ma Chao

* * *

Jia Chong,

(Wow. He's alive.)

Watch THAT MOVIE THAT SHALL NEVER BE NAMED (a.k.a Human Centipede) with you and Sima Yi? HELL NO!

Ma Chao


	22. Smosh and Red Dead References

**Chapter 22**

* * *

Kyuubi,

Wait. It DID affect even mystical beings? What the f***?

Ma Chao

* * *

Whoever you are,

Firstly, I was forced to kill Yue Jin with a springrazor. Secondly, okay.

Ma Chao

* * *

Cai Wenji,

I don't have kids. And Xiahou Dun as a pedophile? That's just wrong.

Ma Chao

* * *

Xiahou Dun,

I never believed that anyway.

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhuge Liang,

Are you connected to the mystics?

Ma Chao

* * *

Xiahou Dun,

He just said no. (I think he's just angry because I gave him female body parts)

Ma Chao

* * *

**In Luoyang Palace...**

**Ma Chao was walking with Guo Jia, talking about the recently averted Zhang He apocalypse.**

**"I got nightmares from that one." Ma Chao said.**

**"I know. I doubt all the other survivors don't."**

**They walk by to see Xiahou Dun and wave to him but Zhao Yun in a cop outfit, a fake mustauche aims a gun at Xiahou Dun.**

**"Stop right there, pedo-lester!"**

**"Wait! I didn't do..."**

**"BULLS****!"**

**Zhao Yun then shoots down Xiahou Dun from his current position to shooting the gun while it was hanging near his intimate area. He then points the gun at Ma Chao.**

**"And you! Submit to the power of homosexuality!"**

**"No thanks."**

**"BULLS..."**

**He was cut short when Ma Chao shot him with a revolver bullet to the face, much to the surprise of Guo Jia.**

**"Where did you get that?"**

**"It just popped into my hand for some reaso..."**

**"And what the f*** are you wearing?"**

**"What?"**

**He goes to see a mirror, only to find out he was wearing a cowboy outfit. (He's wearing John Marston's outfit from the Red Dead franchise)**

**"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP?!"**

* * *

Wang Yi,

I think you're drunk. You saw me flirting with you? That's impossible. I'm here in a bar with Guo Jia and Pang De.

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

Photo evidence? Let me see!

Ma Chao

* * *

**(Photo evidence: John Marston in Ma Chao's outfit winking at the camera.)**

* * *

Wang Yi,

I clearly DON'T HAVE F***ING FACIAL HAIR! And that guy is wearing my clothes! Where is he?!

Ma Chao

* * *

**Ma Chao was walking towards John Marston (while some people think he's the real Ma Chao.).**

**"YOU GOT MY CLOTHES YOU BASTARD!" the ex-Shu officer yelled. Marston was surprised to see him.**

**"You have both my clothes AND my gun!" he shouted back.**

**A few seconds later...**

**Ma Chao was back to his original outfit while John Marston was bloody naked on the ground. He suddenly disappeared along with all things he brought with him.**

* * *

Guo Jia,

I just dispatched the bastard who tried to flirt with Wang Yi WHILE WEARING MY FREAKING CLOTHES!

Ma Chao

* * *

Guo Jia,

I don't have feelings for a woman who hates the s*** out of me, you douche pickle!

Ma Chao

* * *

**This is probably the result of me watching too much Smosh and Smosh Games in one day.**


	23. I played too much Injustice

**Chapter 23**

* * *

Kyuubi,

I got nightmares from it. It was way too pretty.

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhao Yun, (Is this man indestructible?!)

F*** OUT OF MY LIFE YOU PIECE OF S***!

Ma Chao

* * *

Cai Wenji,

You're single since both Cao Cao and Yue Jin are dead (I was forced to kill Yue Jin and someone killed Cao Cao).

Ma Chao

* * *

Xiahou Dun,

Since when did you get the idea that I'm gay? I think those Xiaoqiao pictures got into your head.

Ma Chao

* * *

Superman, (Who goes by this name anyway?)

Who the heck are you?!

Ma Chao

* * *

Superman,

Whoa. Whoa. You didn't just say that you're going to conquer the entire land? All by yourself? Yeah right.

Ma Chao

* * *

**(A few hours later...)**

**MC: He did conquer everything. F***!**

* * *

Pang De,

He's going to do what?!

Ma Chao

* * *

Superman,

Why do you plan to execute Wang Yi?

Ma Chao

* * *

Superman,

DISTURBING. THE. PEACE?! OH COME ON! I CAN HANDLE THE FACT THAT SHE HATES ME SO DAMN MUCH!

Ma Chao

* * *

Guo Jia,

You found his weakness? What is it?!

Ma Chao

* * *

Guo Jia,

You can't be serious with a radioactive green rock killing him. Fine.

Ma Chao

* * *

**Somewhere...**

**Ma Chao was riding Kirin to the execution site. The moment he got close, Superman attacks him with his heat vision. Kirin reared and launched a bolt of lightning but he simply dodged.**

**"Justice!" Ma Chao cried out as he threw his modified spear.**

**Superman grabbed it midair but the spear's blade opened up, revealing a piece of Kryptonite. He fell weakened.**

* * *

Guo Jia,

Where did you get the green rock?

Ma Chao

* * *

Guo Jia,

So Sima Yi has an ENTIRE collection of futuristic stuff?!

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

Yes, you don't like me but that doesn't mean I can't help you out.

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

Hey. I'm technically a Wei officer now. I don't care if I have to deal with you.

Ma Chao

* * *

Guo Jia,

FOR THE LAST F***ING TIME. I DON'T HAVE FEELINGS FOR WANG YI! CAN'T YOU GET THAT IN YOUR HEAD YOU DICK BISCUIT?!

Ma Chao

* * *

**Sheesh. I play too much Injustice.**


	24. FINISH THE DRUNKARD

**Chapter 24**

* * *

Xiahou Dun,

Eh. Not so much. Lady Cai Wenji would often seek me for advice regarding who among Cao Cao and Yue Jin should she pick.

Ma Chao

* * *

Lady Cai Wenji, (For once, I'm actually respecting everyone here.)

You finally chose? And they're both dead so...yeah. You're too late. My condolences.

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhang Fei,

WHAT?! DON'T YOU F- (he got interrupted because Zhang Fei used voodoo dolls on him and Wang Yi. Again.)

* * *

(an hour later...)

Zhang Fei,

I'm coming for you. And I'm gonna make sure that you f*** off. Permanently! (Great. Now I think I got Wang Yi pregnant.)

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

What could I expect from a drunk pig like him?! He doesn't even know how much temper I have on HIM!

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhang Bao,

WHERE'S YOUR FATHER?! THE BASTARD USED VOODOO DOLLS ON ME AND WANG YI!

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhang Bao,

You're probably drunk. (Who else should I contact?)

Ma Chao

* * *

Guo Jia,

You found him? WHERE?! TELL ME RIGHT NOW!

Ma Chao

* * *

Guo Jia,

He's fleeing to Rome?! Not on my watch!

Ma Chao

* * *

**When Ma Chao caught up to Zhang Fei on Kirin, he wasted NO time in attacking him. He got stunned when the angry cavalry general threw a rock at him. The Shu drunkard was dizzy.**

**FINISH HIM!**

**Ma Chao rides on Kirin, charging at Zhang Fei with a lightning enhanced spear. He impales him with it before getting off and jumping in front of Kirin. The lightning powered creature then plunges its horn into Zhang Fei's back. Combine all that lightning and you've got red fireworks that explode in your face.**

**FATALITY**

* * *

Lady Cai Wenji,

What have I been doing? Getting revenge on Zhang Fei, of course.

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

I just had a really long day. (I'm going to a tavern.)

Ma Chao


	25. I Am Riot Shield ManNot really

**Chapter 25**

* * *

Jiang Wei,

Shut up. You're so annoying.

Ma Chao

* * *

Xingcai,

I wanted to ice your father when we met anyway.

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Mao, (Since when does Sima Yi have a daughter?)

Too busy for this. And I see some people born to gay people so NO. Get someone else to do it. (I prefer to do jobs that involve beating up complete douchebags like Jiang Wei.)

Ma Chao

* * *

Ling Tong's number 1 Fangirl Extreme? (insert "WTF" look here.)

Uh. Keep Red Hare. Here's his address.

(attached is Ling Tong's address)

Ma Chao

* * *

Creepy Fangirl's sister,

I got it covered.

Ma Chao

* * *

Creepy Fangirl,

(attached is a fan art of Sima Yi that turns into a stink bomb a few seconds later)

* * *

Zhang Chunhua,

Uh-huh. I don't think you can solve your problems like this.

Ma Chao

* * *

Cousin, Pang De and Guo Jia,

WE'RE BEING ATTACKED? By who?

Ma Chao

* * *

Cousin, Pang De and Guo Jia,

So Yueying, Zhang Bao, Xingcai, Liu Bei and Jiang Wei are out to play, eh? I can handle this. I just need a few things first.

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Yi,

Do you still have that gunblade that used to belong to your son?

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Yi,

To fend off a bunch of bastards headed this way, of course.

Ma Chao

* * *

**Somewhere in Wei territory...**

**A massive Shu army is marching to Luoyang. They see Ma Chao, Pang De, Guo Jia and Ma Dai on horses.**

**"You shall die in the name of BENEVOLENCE!" Jiang Wei shouts.**

**"No one gives a damn! Now..." Ma Chao said as he brings out both the gunblade and his spear.**

**"LET'S ROCK!"**

**A few hours later,**

**Ma Chao's spear was broken into two, the Shu army retreated, Ma Dai and Pang De are injured and Guo Jia was doing a stripper dance on his sceptre.**

**"Would you stop that?" Ma Chao asked.**

**"Oh. Sorry, my lord." the Wei strategist apologized.**

**However, Jiang Wei came back with a minigun.**

**"I've had enough of this nonsense!" Ma Chao yelled out. He suddenly pulled out a riot shield out of nowhere and charges at the overzealous Shu general. Blocking every bullet, he continuously bashes Jiang Wei in the face. When Liu Bei also came back, he got bashed as well with the riot shield.**

**Ma Chao smirked and said,**

**"Hehe. Two chumps, One Riot Shield!"**

* * *

Guo Jia,

I feel like I want to keep the Riot Shield. And I'll keep the gunblade since Sima Yi doesn't want it anymore.

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

WHAT?! YOU REALLY WERE PREGNANT THE WHOLE TIME?! OH S- (insert random censored swear words here.)

Ma Chao

* * *

**I'll be honest. I LOVE the Riot Shield Man videos. If you know what I mean. Don't believe me? Search up Riot Shield Man and see the ones by GT reviews (formerly known as Clevver Games.) and a few ones by Smosh Games and one by the same guy who voices Riot Shield Man (Lasercorn).**


	26. I don't know what I'm doing!

**Chapter 26**

* * *

Stable boy, (Since when did I have a freaking stable boy?)

I don't recall having a horse named Snowball 33. I think you're being paranoid. Have you been getting any sleep?

Ma Chao

* * *

Father,

Uh...okay... (I expected something like getting whipped but a sponge bath? Seriously?)

Your son

* * *

(a few hours later)

* * *

Wang Yi,

What have I been doing? I just got whipped by my father and I had to give him a sponge bath after that.

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

What do you mean by that? I basically got you pregnant because of Sir Drinks-a-lot using voodoo dolls on us.

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

You'll tell that to the infant as a story? What would that be for?

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

Right... (To make me an embarrassing father. Wow.)

Ma Chao

* * *

Lord Xiahou Yuan, (Why do I respect only a few people here besides Pang De?)

So Jiang Wei's back for more, eh?

Ma Chao

* * *

Cousin,

Where's the riot shield? I need that. And yes, I'm aware that my spear is broken.

Your Young Master

* * *

Cousin,

It's with my father? Okay...Gunblade it is.

* * *

**Somewhere in Wei territory,**

**A scattered force of Shu soldiers were charging towards Luoyang's direction. ****The army screams out "For Benevolence!" many f***ing times. Scene cuts to Jiang Wei carrying a boombox that blares out Benevolences every half second. Ma Chao covers his ears in disgust.**

**"What kind of overzealous crap is this?!"**

**He later falls back.**

* * *

Sima Yi,

Help me deal with this BENEVOLENCE problem!

Ma Chao

* * *

Cao Pi,

Can we put up a little rule that makes BENEVOLENCE a swear word? I'm getting sick of it because of JIANG WEI!

Ma Chao

* * *

Cao Pi,

No? Fine.

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Yi,

You got something that wipes out an entire army without much effort?

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Yi,

What the heck is this? (A minigun?)

Ma Chao

* * *

**Jiang Wei and his army was about to reach the gates of Luoyang when Ma Chao arrives with a minigun. He puts on sunglasses before saying,**

**"Hasta La Vista."**

**He brings the pain and mows down the entire army. When the minigun was out of ammo, only Jiang Wei was still standing.**

**"I will never give up until I've built a land of b-" he was cut short when Ma Chao shot him in the balls with a handgun (The same one he used to get his revenge on Zhuge Liang for causing Sima Yi, Wang Yi and Zhang Chunhua to get intimate with each other.)**

* * *

Pang De,

I'm taking a liking into this gun. I'm gonna call it the "Ball Buster".

Ma Chao


	27. Another Annoying drunkard falls

**Chapter 27**

* * *

Sima Zhao,

DON'T YOU DARE. You wouldn't do this in front of your wife now wouldn't you?

Ma Chao

* * *

Sun Quan,

Simple. Lie to him.

Ma Chao

* * *

Xiahou Dun,

Uh...Okay...Here's Shadowmere since my cousin doesn't want him.

Ma Chao

* * *

(The moment Ma Chao saw "Ma Dai"'s letter, he gets pissed off.)

* * *

**Ma Chao ambushes Ma Dai in the kitchen and knocks him down. He takes a knife and the letter and he tosses the latter casually before pinning it to the wall near Ma Dai.**

**"EXPLAIN THAT, MOFO PIECE OF INK!"**

**Ma Dai peeks at the letter for one moment and says,**

**"This is not my writing, Young Master! It's a drunkard's own!"**

**"Zhang Fei is dead, you imbecile."**

**"You do realize that there's one more drunkard in Shu, right?"**

**Ma Chao's eyes widened, left the area and tosses a coin pouch at Ma Dai. He just says,**

**"Yay! An increase in my health insurance!"**

* * *

Pang Tong,

You're my next victim for s***ing me!

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

For the last time, I AM NOT A FREAKING GAY!

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Zhao,

At least you know how to take a hint. Good for you.

Ma Chao

* * *

Liu Bei,

No. Sun Shangxiang wasn't cheating on you with someone.

Ma Chao

* * *

Liu Bei,

You don't trust me because I joined Wei? F*** you.

Ma Chao

* * *

Sun Quan,

He doesn't trust me.

Ma Chao

* * *

Pang Tong,

(attached is a painting of Ma Chao giving whoever is looking at it the middle finger, which explodes after two seconds.)

* * *

Jia Chong,

NO. Don't you already have a daughter?

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Zhao,

Not buying whatever you said unless you have photographic evidence.

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Zhao,

Well...I believe you now Another thing. WTFF?!(His wife has been cheating on him this whole time with...with...LU LINGQI?!)

Ma Chao

* * *

**I did see a Wang Yuanji X Lu Lingqi fanfiction that weirded the s*** out of me. I could tell my jaw hit the ground so hard I was left in disgusted silence.**

**Whoops. Did not notice something until now.**


	28. Gay Powder and Gas Bombs

**Chapter 26**

* * *

Creepy Fangirl's Sister,

Yeah. Sure.

Ma Chao

* * *

MIFTFAFI, (What kind of name is this?)

Here.

(attached is a recommendation letter. a/n I don't know what these letters are like.)

Ma Chao

* * *

Bao Sanniang,

And you talked about cats almost ALL the time.

Ma Chao

* * *

**When Ma Chao saw the letter for Ma Dai, he tosses it in the fireplace.**

* * *

Lady Zhenji,

I'm a cavalry general. I defected from Shu and Wu sometime ago because of gay people.

Ma Chao

* * *

Sun Ce,

F*** YOU!

(he didn't sign because he got out of the room.)

* * *

**Ma Chao later decided to stay in Pang De's room. He went in, carrying a sleeping bag.**

* * *

Cousin,

IT GOT TO YOU AS WELL?!

(not signed)

* * *

Wang Yi, (Will it even affect females? I'll warn her anyway.)

DON'T GO IN MY ROOM! IT'S FILLED WITH GAY POWDER FROM SUN CE!

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

I'm serious!

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

Someone DID breathe in my room?

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yi,

What? So the new gay couple following the investigation of my room are Xiahou Yuan and Zhang He? Not exactly my problem but this can be...detrimental.

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Zhao,

I saw loading a bunch of weapons in your carriage. What are they even for?

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Zhao,

You're gonna kill Lu Lingqi?! You do realize Lu Bu will be on your ass for that, right?

Ma Chao

P.S. I realized that Lu Bu's dead. Dismiss that last sentence.

* * *

Sima Zhao,

Well, I have nothing better to do so I'll go help you defeat your wife and her new girlfriend.

Ma Chao

P.S. My room was filled with gay powder. Don't go in there.

* * *

Sima Zhao,

You're dragging along Wen Yang, Xu Huang, Deng Ai and Xiahou Ba? I'll go get my drinking buddies (Guo Jia and Pang De).

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yuanji,

Sorry.

(attached is a gas bomb that puts the victim to sleep.)

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Zhao,

I only have ONE gas bomb! We'll have to deal with these hired thugs through brute force.

Ma Chao


	29. My arse is as lazy as Sima Zhao's

**Chapter 29**

* * *

Xu Shu,

You better not do anything dumb.

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhang He,

I don't give a s***.

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yuanji,

I talked him out of it! And you DID cheat on your husband for his brother! What the f*** is wrong with you?!

Ma Chao

* * *

Liu Bei,

Ha! F*** that s***! Go complain to Sun Quan for all I care!

Ma Chao

* * *

Lu Lingqi, (How the f*** is she alive? I saw Sima Zhao knock her off a cliff!)

Well, your "girlfriend" is married to the guy who tried to kill you. Deal with it.

Ma Chao

* * *

Lord Xiahou Dun,

I think you need to lay off the drinks for a while. I heard you scream "FUS RO DAH" at the maids you were having a slight disagreement with.

Ma Chao

* * *

**(A/N : I'm a lazy a-hole.)**


	30. I keep forgetting which chapter I'm in!

**Chapter 29? I don't know**

* * *

Han Sui, (Okay, whose soul was taken this time? Or am I just paranoid.)

For your information, Cao Cao's dead. And my father's alive (Even if he keeps making me give him sponge baths.)

Ma Chao

* * *

Creepy Fangirl,

Meh.

Ma Chao

* * *

Pang De,

Well, Han Sui's pissed at us. Any bright ideas?

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Yi,

Forget what I said about me being afraid of your wife. Can I join Jin?

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

Just keep your nose clean and I'll worry about almost everything else. Got it?

Sima Yi

Sima Yi,

I just hope my recently-revived father doesn't find out about this.

Ma Chao

* * *

Father,

Oh man. You found out.

Your son

* * *

Sima Shi,

Uh...Are you okay in there? I heard sounds. (Probably out getting rough with his own sister-in-law.)

* * *

Sima Shi,

I heard cries of pleasure in your room an hour ago. Not cries of anguish. You haven't lost anyone yet.

Ma Chao

* * *

Deng Ai,

An army of gay people is about to attack? Alright, let's kick ass and chew bubblegum.

Ma Chao

* * *

(A few minutes later...)

Sima Yi,

What happened? Conquered ass and chewed bubblegum.

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Yi,

Not like THAT. And I was sarcastic with the bubblegum part.

Ma Chao


	31. I've got nothing better to do

**Chapter 31**

* * *

Sima Zhao,

I can tell your wife's been cheating on you with your brother.

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Zhao,

Well...there's that time when she said that Yan is Shi's son and not yours so...

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Zhao,

I knew you were gonna snap.

Ma Chao

* * *

Sima Shi,

Help you? Ha! It's all on you!

Ma Chao

Ma Chao,

YOU DICK!

Sima Shi

Sima Shi,

Yeah. Real mature.

Ma Chao

* * *

Wang Yuanji,

Can you please stop nagging about not being with Lu Lingqi or even Sima Shi! (Screw this. I'm going to a tavern.)

Ma Chao


	32. I made this for no reason

**I'M BACK, BABY!**

* * *

Zhao Ang,

I AM NOT MARRYING WANG YI! Didn't you love her? You just suddenly asked when's the wedding. And sorry I killed you.

Ma Chao

* * *

Zhao Yue,

No. Stick with your real father. You don't even have any of my genes.

Ma Chao

P.S. Sorry I killed you.

* * *

Xu Shu,

No idea. Wu deserves a trophy for touching wieners with a golden display on it in Wujun.

Ma Chao

* * *

J.P. Polnareff,

Sorry, but I'm not affiliated with Liu Bei anymore. Go talk to someone else.

Ma Chao

* * *

Xiahou Dun,

On my way!

* * *

**A pack of werewolves were attacking Wei and Jin officers alike in the palace. One of the lycans were chasing Zhenji, who dropped her flute. The said lycan ate the flute like it was a stick of steak.**

**"That was my favorite!" she whined.**

**The beast roared before getting shot by Ma Chao and his electric gun. Xiahou Dun, Sima Zhao, and Ma Dai were with him, carrying identical thermite rifles.**

**"They're everywhere!" Ma Chao said.**

**"Where'd they all come from?" Sima Zhao wondered.**

**The four ran outside as they continued shooting werewolves here and there. In the courtyard, they saw Xu Shu and Li Dian fighting one, Pang De wrestling with another werewolf, and Sima Shi stabbing one to death. Everyone looked tired, though.**

**"How are we supposed to fight all these monsters?" Ma Dai shouted.**

**"Just keep shooting!"**

**An hour later...**

**All but one of the werewolves are dead. The guys ran out of ammo and they, along with ALL the other generals surrounded the last one.**

**"So...what do we d-"**

**Li Dian was cut off when Xu Shu hit the werewolf in the back with a tranq dart.**

**"We shave it then eat it!" the former Shu strategist declared.**

**"Is that supposed to be safe?" Ma Chao asked.**

**"Does it matter? It's feasting time!"**

**"Are you guys having a werewolf feast?" some random guy asked. Everyone turned to the stairs to see Ling Tong.**

**"What are you doing here?" Xiahou Yuan questioned.**

**"Can I join? Liu Bei's on my ass because I've been seeing Sun Shangxiang for a while."**

**"Oh what the hell. I needed more drinking buddies anyway." Ma Chao shrugged.**

**"Hell yeah!"**

* * *

Sun Quan,

A "fourth kingdom"?!

* * *

Sun Quan,

So you're telling me that Wu is divided between Straight Wu and Homo Wu? Uh...I can't even comprehend what the f*** is going on there.

Ma Chao

* * *

**"Young Master! You have mail!" Ma Dai announced from the doorway to the council room. This room has separate tables for Wei, Jin, and the extra table which was for generals from other kingdoms who joined Wei. So far, occupying this table were Ma Chao, Xu Shu, Ling Tong, and, somehow, Lu Lingqi. She'd often wink at Wang Yuanji just to irritate Sima Zhao.**

**"Really? In the middle of a meeting?" Ma Chao asked. His cousin gave him a huge board wrapped in blue. Everyone approached the cavalry general out of curiosity. When he opened it...**

**It was a painting of Liu Bei giving him the middle finger, and everywhere around it was nothing else but graphical yaois of Ma Chao and Zhao Yun. The painting was signed by Zhang Fei and Jiang Wei.**

**"What the hell?" Ling Tong asked, shocked.**

**"Eww!" Zhenji screeched.**

**Ma Chao began to shake, and shake, and shake, silently.**

**"Uh oh. He's gonna snap." Ma Dai whispered into Pang De's ear. Everyone back away from the ex-Shu general. A while later...**

**"F*** YOU, SHU! WHY DID I EVEN JOIN YOU HYPOCRITICAL BASTARDS! I MAY BE A HYPOCRITE MYSELF BUT AT LEAST I DON'T WRITE PATHETIC S*** LIKE THIS!"**

**Ma Chao threw the painting to the ground, stomped on it, smacked it with his spear, then had Kirin burn it to ashes with a lightning bolt. He looked at the other officers.**

**"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOT LOOKING AT?!"**

**A while later...**

**Peasants in Shu territory were screaming as Ma Chao burned down their village. Ma Dai, Wang Yi, Zhao Ang, and Pang De followed him.**

**"You are out of character, Young Master." Ma Dai said.**

**"Hmph. I'm just trying to blow off some steam." the horseman angrily replied.**

**"Ma Chao! What is this?" a just arrived now Liu Bei asked, backed by Zhang Fei and Zhao Yun.**

**"Your pathetic benevolence league have insulted me for the last time!" Ma Chao screamed back as he gave off the "Lu Bu aura".**

**"For BENEVOLENCE!" Liu Bei shouted as he charged the ex-Shu officer, who charged as well. A while later, Liu Bei was on the ground with electrical burns on his face, stab wounds on his limbs, and an angry Ma Chao stomping on him constantly.**

**"Woah! That's enough!" Pang De yelled, pulling the violent cavalry general off the Lord of Shu.**

**"Fine." Ma Chao violently shook Pang De's hands off of him. "You, run along before I reconsider."**

**Liu Bei ran away from the burning village with his comrades.**


End file.
